O O Old School - Throwback

So, at the end of work the other day, my new co-worker asked me if I would pick him up at the car rental place on the way in to work. Of course, I'm such a nice person, I said yes. It was on my way in anyway. I asked, "do you mind sending me a text in the morning to remind me." After a short pause, he responded. I don't have the ability to text. Ok, I don't guess that's too weird. My parents don't text.

"I won't bore you with my cell phone story," he said. "I should get an award for the old cell phone." Well, at this point I was intrigued and I of course had to say ...well, now you have to tell me. A few more minutes go by and he walks back in my office with his cell phone. "Are you serious, you have got to be kidding me, that's your cell phone? I think I had that same cell phone my senior year in high school, maybe junior," I said. "I've had this cell phone for over 9 years," he said.....Now after I contained my laughter, I was like why? But that makes sense, it's been 10 years since I graduated.

The cell phone was no lie, one step up from Zack Morris cell phone on saved by the bell. My co-worker who shall remain nameless, but has agreed to let me tell his story via my blog is in his 40s and is proud to call this Audiovox his baby.

Haha..Look at that thing! Remember when these came out? He proceeded to have me look at how well all the numbers were in tact and how good of a condition it was in. He was proud he had taken such good care of it. Me, on the otherhand, I break or lose two a year. Well clearly, you cant text on that thing...Yes you can he corrected me. I just don't want to. If I need to talk, I will call someone. Wow, this phone just made my day. I said, why don't you get another one. It's not like you have to pay  to upgrade....He probably has enough points or whatever system they use to get the top of the line one for free! Nope, I'm OK with this one it works just fine.

You my lucky new friend are my newest project. If I don't have you with a new phone by the end of 6 months, my life will not be complete. I admire that you are stuck in your ways and remain to be old school, buuuut....we work in advertising/ marketing and you my dear need to upgrade. Until then, we will continually have daily to have conversations about how you are stuck in your ways and too stubborn to jump into this century. None the less, you have given me a challenge and I accept.

Speaking of Old School, I went with a friend last night to see the one of the most beautiful men ever perform at a local bar. Chuck Wicks -

His current single Old School was sure represented when this sweet little old lady pulled out her camera to take a picture. Might I add this was the same little old lady that came in the bar in front of my friend and I with another older lady and an old man. I heard them say they wanted to eat dinner. I guess it was a regular night spot for them cause they seemed to know where they were and what was going on. But when they asked for a seat and they told there them there weren't any..I felt bad. My friend and I helped them grab chairs and set them up in the front.

Fast forward 30 minutes later, this little old lady was up front with her camera trying to take a picture. Everyone kept telling her to push her way to the front to take a picture. I decided to lean over and ask her if she wanted me to take it for her. O my word, I grabbed what I thought was a VHS tape and started laughing. I tried to hold it in, but these two chicks beside me were laughing so hard, I couldn't help it. I didnt want to hurt her feelings. She looked like she was 80. The fact she was out to see a band on a Sunday night was awesome in itself. How could I laugh at her. "It's old timey" the lil old lady said. It was for sure film and looked similar to this but larger.

At this point I had forgotten how to use one of these! I actually held it up like I was going to see a preview in a screen..Ha! I leaned in to peer through the little rectangle hole and took the best two pictures of Chuck Wicks you could ever imagine. Or so I thought, we'll never know until she goes to get that film developed. And even tho I am sad I will never see her again, I am confident I did a good job.

Do you remember when those cameras were actually the norm? As I reached for the throwback film camera a flurry of memories of me in denim boots and paint splattered shirts ran through my mind. Neon swimsuits and big bangs. It made me want to go out and get in a red Trans am with T-tops.  Ha..how bout when you went to get your pictures developed it took a whole week and how pissed off you where when the photos sucked! Not a thing in the world you could do. man o man. Those were the days.

On another Throwback note..Dear Mtn Dew, your Throwback Mtn Dews are not good.

To the little old lady I helped, your camera made my night. To my co-worker, the challenge is on...

Until the next inspiring random stupid moment in my life, this is Ash - wizzle signing out!

RaceCar Shopping Carts

After work today I decided to go to go to Harris Teeter, keep in mind this will have been the second time today I went since I dropped by at lunch to get some sushi and wine. The two were not related but that is beside the point. It was raining and cold and as I reached for a cart, I asked myself if it would be weird if I grabbed one of those carts that looks like a race car. Now, I don't have any children, so I thought this might be awkward. But, on another note, I thought why shouldn't I use one of the race car carts. There are clearly no rules that state this is unacceptable. Then I started to think I wouldn't get much shopping done because every time i would look down and realize I was pushing a race car I would laugh. Then I would make a sound similar to that of an engine reving up and want to take off.  Haha..Just look at that thing...i just want to get my feet going like Fred Flinstone and race someone.

Race cars go fast, grocery carts do not. Who came up with this idea? Until they put a racetrack on the floor..between the deli and the ice cream aisle, I'm not certain this was the best idea. Maybe they should make them buses since buses go slow. Have you  ever seen anyone without a child pushing one.  Just to get their weekly groceries? I haven't but I think I will next time. Because it would be quite funny, I wont lie. Imagine the stares you would get. I'd be tempted to act like I had an imaginary child just o see if ppl would look. Or maybe I would use the extra space for those 10 lb bags of dogfood I have to buy. Just for the record I'd like to race a senior citizen in one of those electric  carts while I pushed mine. If you are up for this challenge please let me know. I'd like to work on a sponsor. This would be similar to that old school grocery game show "Supermarket Sweep".. That was a good show, Drew Carey move out of the way Price as Right will NEVER be the same. Public Announcement "have your pet spayed or neutered."I opted for the regular cart and went about my business.  Not only are the race car carts stupid and serve no purpose they are ugly.

Speaking of Ugly have you seen "Cuda" she's running for the worlds ugliest dog. Below is her picture.

She looks like a gargoyle and I cant help but laugh. I would wake up every morning and laugh at her. You can find her on the FB, she clearly needs support. She's a little different, but so am I an I like to support special things and special people.

 Look at those legs and that deformed body poor thing. I have nothing bad to say say other than you are one ugly dog. Like, you dont even look real.

Tonight's post has been short and sweet -  until next time, stay classy and be nice to the man who puts mayonnaise on ur burgers at Burger King. Tomorrow's blog promises to be better. For now peace out..I want some sausage.

Ash Wizzle!

Oatmeal & the Dirty South

This morning I woke up late. For those of you who don't know, I started a new job and this is my second week. I'm making a great first impression. So, I did the total 2011 thing to do..I texted my boss and told her I was running late, but would be in very soon. Her response, "It's ok -breathe." Now, I got on the highway and my belly growled at me. I decided to take full advantage of her text and made a trip to McDonald's. what would 5 more minutes hurt.

As I pulled up to the golden arches the large bowl of oatmeal on the window caught my eye. Kudos to you and the food artist who made such a pretty  picture to which I was drawn too. But I couldn't help but think one thing. Who in hizzy gets oatmeal from McDonalds?

Why would you subject yourself to that? Just eat at home. You can get a box for like $2 and its not hard to make, you just add water. Besides, with a little piece of heaven on the menu you shouldn't even need a second option.  Dear McGriddle maker, I'd like to thank you on behalf of America. Those little pockets of Maple syrup with my sausage  couldn't be more delicious. I often wonder who the McGriddle maker is and if he or she is also responsible for the McRib. A) There names sound similar and B) Pretty sure the person who did invent both items was high and had the munchies. Your probably the same person who suggested the "24 Hour Drive Thru" too. God Bless you for that one! Maybe you just really like syrup and thought you had a good thing going for you with the McGriddle and you decided to branch out. Well, I don't think its a good idea. I'm sure its not even healthy. Not with the syrup and milk and whatever else you put in to make it look good. If you're at a fast food joint, being healthy clearly wasn't your first priority. Lets just chalk this one up as a loss. There is only one exception to this and that is little old man coffee drinker. I know its part of your routine to go and have a cup of coffee and breakfast with your old man friends. Your sweet faces make me smile as you discuss the weather and the latest town news. You have my approval to eat whatever you wish, I suggest the McGriddle.

I finally made it in to work and started working on a project. The project involved researching plumbing. I ran across a company called Dirty South Plumbing. I couldn't resist clicking on the link and this is what I saw.


A couple of things ran through my mind. Mainly, that I thought the owner of this company was a habitual user of illegal drugs. One might wonder how I came to that conclusion. Maybe it the skull head wearing sunglasses or the King Arthur crown. At least you spelled all the words right. I was so intrigued by this brand image I decided to make it my desktop photo.  I wondered how business for them was. They don't look too professional and probably pull up in your driveway in one of those white vans with no windows and that big skull on the side. They probably smoke a dooby on the way.

I sent this logo to several of my friends. I wanted to share this awesomeness with everyone I could. Of course, I work in advertising and one of the recipients decided to YouTube  their commercials. Imagine my surprise when I found out this company isn't even a plumbing company at all! An entire 2.5 minutes of  pipes set to "Can you take me Higher" by Creed.  I was so mazed by the gigantic image of the skull and King Arthur's crown to notice its a flippin pipe shop! They sale illegal drug paraphernalia! My first though was that my profiling of their image was right! Not only did they smoke weed, they have an entire store dedicated to various ways of smoking it!

It was all coming together now. But at this point I've now realized the image on my screen at work (my brand new job) is promoting a place that sales "coke spoons." What is a coke spoon? Not that I want to know, but how in the world are you selling it in a store. Why wouldn't the police just sit outside of this store and check people coming out of it? It would be similar to sitting outside of a bar and giving DUIs. Why should the potheads get a break?

It just doesn't make sense, a lot of things don't make sense to me, like why my dog likes to rub his body on dryer sheets or why when you get older you move to grandma panties. Or bloomers as  my mamaw calls them. Have you thought about what it must have been be like to be the person that shaved Brittany Spears head that dreadful day? Or why Michelle on the Bachelor got a black eye in her sleep last night.

I must commend these guys for such a creative name though. I'm sure they were high when they thought of it. I bet they hit the "24 hour Drive Thru" all the time and eat 20 piece nuggets and those 2 for a Dollar apple pies. Man i love McDonald's. I just wish they would bring back the Hamburglar and the cookies that used to come in the happy meals.

Mamaw...Really?

My entire life my grandma has collected cups. More specifically coffee cups. I find myself drawn to these unique pieces of porcelain and I'd like to thank her for that. Granted, I don't have near as many as she does - not even close. I think I may send a video of her and her cups to that crazy show on the Discovery Channel called "My Weird Obsession." Have you seen this? Let me recap for you if u haven't. One girl eats hair, not just her hair, but the follicles. Another, eats laundry detergent (powder style). She claims it is salty and sweet. I a very intrigued by this and I'd like to sit down and just ask her this one simple question - "At what point to you wake up and decide, today I am going to try a scoop of Tide." A third lady eats Comet. I don't know how she's not dead. Another lady sleeps with her hair dryer, on and wakes up with burns. Now clearly these people are a bit disturbed, but I find myself drawn to the show. I realize how "Uncrazy" I am every time I watch it.

Now, that I've just written that, I no longer think my grandmother is a good candidate for the show. While her obsession with coffee cups is quite odd, it's not hindering her health in anyway. As a matter of fact, people encourage her behavior when they come to visit. She has the cups hanging on her wall...sitting on the coffee table, bookshelves. etc. (see picture - I told her I was taking a picture for a project I was working on. ha)

"O, that's real cool." I hear people say. No it's not its weird. Mamaw, why? What have the coffee cups done for you? I guess this is similar to collecting shot classes except these take up much more room. They are from all over the place! I'll say, "O mamaw when did you go to the Bahamas?" she responds with, "I didn't, that one is from a  a yard sale, it was 10 cents." One is even shaped like boobs. Why, why do you have a coffee cup shaped like boobs. Now that I think about it, the last time I was rummaging around in the attic, I found a "toothbrush" shaped like boobs. I recall it saying something like "good for gum massage." Now, I don't ask questions....mostly because I don't want to know the answer. I'll just continue to think my grandmother is a huge supporter of Breast Cancer Awareness and I'll be finding a t-shirt that says "Save the tatas" any day now.

All grandmas are crazy right? I beginning to wonder if I will be just like her and what my obsession will be and if I will inherit this hoarder trait. Dear Lord, please don't let me end up on that show?Hoarders? Have you seen that one? People are nasty. I'm pretty sure your Mountain Dew bottle has zero sentimental value..THROW IT AWAY. Anything for ratings, but again, I find myself drawn to these train wrecks. So keep them coming.

Speaking of train wrecks, how about this chick that fell in to the fountain at the mall and is suing. Lady, you need a good swift kick to the a$$ if you cant laugh at yourself.  I saw you on TV crying, saying its not funny when its you. How much did that appearance bring you. You also said, u reached for something to grab on to, well what fountain has a handrail, idiot. They aren't meant for people to fall in to. I hope you get what you deserve, additional embarrassment for this ridiculous, joke of a lawsuit on your hands.

Looking back, I'm glad my grandma is collecting cups and not hoarding Mtn Dew bottles or texting. There are a lot weirder things she could be doing like sleeping with her hair dyer, which would be even more odd, since she barely has any hair. I'm not worried about her texting and falling in to a fountain because she just got a cell phone, that she doesn't even know how to use. She yells in to it at the top of her lungs as if the person is China, and that warrants a louder conversation. She seems pretty normal on her good days and she laughs at herself a lot. I can only hope to be just like her at that age and reading those trashy romance novels and sleeping in until 9am. How many old folks do you know that stay up until past midnight reading trashy love stories and the National Enquirer. Sleeping in and refusing to get out of the bed in the morning. All while staying her her pajamas until sometimes past lunch.

Yep, that's right...I think I want to be just like her. That life sounds perfect. Cups on the wall and all! Where do I sign?

Gadgets?

So tonight I decided to start a blog, you might ask what prompted this..well, let me tell you. After a completely, unhealthy day of lying around doing nothing, I decided to meet my parents for dinner. After consuming a glass of tea, several chicken wings and a few slices of pizza, I was ready to explode. But, instead, I reached for my wallet to get out some money to pay the bill. I was frantically trying to find my wallet, in my disaster of a purse, before my dad tried to pay.

I had gone to the grocery store that morning and had gotten some cash out. I had a list of items I needed because I tend to stray easily and always end up with a $150 grocery bill. I held strong to my list, purchased my rotisserie chicken, sausage and sugar among a few other things. It wasn't until I got in line that I was distracted by the voice of a former co-worker.  "Can I actually have paper please, " I asked. Just to clarify, this isn't because I am trying to save the earth, I prefer paper because I am lazy and you can fit ALOT more in a paper bag than a plastic. Its much easier to carry in two paper bags versus 5 plastics.  I turned around and spoke to the voice I had heard earlier. We continued to chat as the high school aged boy asked me if I needed help out. I wonder what the percentage of the people who actually say yes to that is? Anywho, we stood there chatting and continued to block people trying to exit the store. We were real jerks. we finally moved to the side finished our conversation and went about our merry way.

My dad, who treats me like I am 15 and just about to get my driver's license insists I call and talk to him  everyday. Don't get me wrong. I am thankful he cares so much, but I am nearly 30 and there comes a point in which he will have to let go.  And it irritates me to no end that he ALWAYS leaves a voicemail. Dad, I see your missed call. Furthermore, you don't need to leave a voicemail every time, especially when every time, you say the same thing, "hey ash, its your dad, call me." I appreciate your attempt to try to vary the messages, "ash, it's your father, call me"........or when you really try to get my attention,  "I guess you don't care about me, its dad, call me." I decided to return the call to see what he wanted.

Keep in mind, after returning from the grocery store I changed back in to my pajamas and was glued to the recliner. With zero motivation, I made the call. "Hey sis, what are you doing?" Nothing dad, not a thing in this world. "Nothing," yes nothing. Well do you want to meet your mom and I and our friends for dinner tonight? Not really, I thought to myself. That would require brushing my hair, which I had let dry wet the night before and the results were less than pretty. I would also have to put on a bra and change my clothes...Ugh, Sure, what time I said. "I'll call you later and tell you," he replied.

After a few more hours of nothing I got a call. "Meet us at 7," he said. "See you then Dad," I responded. My husband and I pulled up to the restaurant and got a table for 6. Nothing fancy, a local pizza joint with the best pizza around. As we sat waiting, I observed a lot of birthdays going on. One in particular, a "Sweet Sixteen" I sat there thinking, I'm pretty sure the crew of MTV won't be showing up anytime soon. A few balloons, a couple of pizza's and some water's were not my idea of a party. Now, had a midget jumped out of a cake wearing a tu-tu, I would have gotten my own camera out and sent the footage to MTV myself. This is how we do it in Stokes Co would have been the title.  I sure hope she had a night out with her friends planned in which they would be arriving in a helicopter dressed in prom dresses at the local Dairio, but I'll never know.

My dad and his friends showed up. The first thing my dad's friend says is, "This is a nice table," ha ha. Who says that? We're at a pizza place. And as if one time wasn't enough, he told the waitress, "This is a nice table, I don't want to eat off it." Well, you not. You eat off a plate that sits on the table. I thought to myself, this is going to be a great dinner.  "What's on tap?" my dad says. "Budweiser and Natural Light," said the waitress. "Natural Light, a pitcher please," he said. Gah..what a cheap skate, dad, Nattys? Please your in public. You can spring for something better. Furthermore, why do they have Natty on tap at this place? "How many mugs do you need," she said, dad raised his hand and table admirer both of his. "I need one for each hand," he said. Dear Lord, it's no wonder he and my dad are friends. Meanwhile, mom is trying to tell table admirer's wife she needs to get a Pepsi because there tea isn't good. Like she can't make her decision, she is a grown adult.

Can we just order already, two pizza's and two orders of wings, one hot one mild, ranch and blue cheese. I order on behalf of the group, and I am normally the embarrassing one.  We finish eating....and this is where the wallet comes back in to play. I search for the cash I had gotten from the grocery store earlier in the day. Nothing, it's gone, it's not there. I knew I got $25 cash back. Where was it..I searched and searched, nothing. I found the receipt and there plain as day, change $25. Are you kidding me? After hearing my husband tell me he wasn't surprised I wasn't paying attention, I was ready to leave. Luckily, the grocery store I had gone to earlier was nearby.

"I'm not going in with you," he said. "I don't need you to, I can handle myself." Ugh..I was so mad. I walked in and what happens? I make eye contact with a guy working at the grocery store, this guy, a guy I went to High School with. You know that awkward kind of hey, how are you...we don't really talk but I see you looking this way so I need to say something.

I didn't get my cash back this morning. Or at least I am 99.9% sure I didn't. What register were you at. I pointed. That one I think. Do you remember the cashiers name? What kind of a question is this? Well, no ..thinking why would I. He was young and I think her had dark hair. "O, Trent," he's a little scatter brained. Well, that's comforting I thought. "Can you just check and see if your register is over?" By this time the manager started walking toward me. "Can I help you," she said. Did I really have to go through the entire story again about how I was trying to pay for dinner and noticed I didn't have my cash and how  Trent checked me out. "Let me get your number and call you back if we find the money," that's fine. I gave my number and left.

 I sat for a minute at home before I Googled the grocery store number and called. "I'm sorry, there wasn't an overage." Are you kidding me I thought. dang it. $25 gone. That is a lot of money. I searched my purse and nothing. As my blood started to boil and I could feel myself getting angry, I decided it wasn't worth it. I had probably gotten caught up in the conversation with my ex-co worker. Lost control of the checkout situation and bailed before I got my money.

Instead of letting it fester, I decided to start this blog and tell you guys about the whirlwind of a night I had. In my first attempt to create my blog I noticed one thing - Gadgets? What exactly is a gadget? And I can really add one to my blog? Is it like those little clay insects you can insert in to the holes of your Crocs? or Will they allow me to push a button and shoot a web out of my wrist like Spiderman. For now, I will do without. Its not necessary to subject my brand new blog to any web oriented gadget diseases if unnecessary. I'll need to do more research before I decide to add one.

Moral of the story, pay attention... even if it means ignoring the familiar voice. You won't be $25 in the hole and feel like an idiot if you do.

NOTE: I am 100% certain there are grammatical errors in this post, possibly even spelling mistakes if the auto correct didn't  catch them. Please don't make fun of me for this. If you do, you might be the subject of my next post, so ....take your chances if you dare. :)