Mamaw, Are you ok? can you breathe?

Yesterday was my granny's birthday..78.

 She's younger then Hugh Hefner and he's engaged to like a 24 year old..To each his own. But if my granny comes home with a 20 something, I'm going to be grossed out. I know she's at least tried, she hits on the doctors every time she makes a trip to the hospital. I specifically remember about 6 months ago sitting in the emergency room with her after her blood pressure dropped dangerously low.....The doctor comes in and tells her that he's going to be taking her to her own room. Her response, "Now I get to tell all my friends and good lookin young man took me to bed tonight." I looked over at her and said Good LOrd Mamaw STOP it... "What, I'm old enough to say whatever I want." The doctor, quite good looking actually...just laughed.

I picked up my gma and took her to breakfast.. SHe seemingly behaved herself as she was shoving her face. Mamaw..you see all these old men in here, I'm going to find you one for your birthday. "Ha, I don't want one from in here," she said. These are the best grits ever, look how much butter is in them. I see that, they are yellow! After she only took one bite, she decided we needed to package them up and take them home. Really? The were like $90 cents...you dont need them. YES I do, she said demandingly. Ughh..Ok. So as I got up to get her a bowl to take her grits in, I scanned the room one last time for any potentials. I brought her a cup for her coffee too.

Before we started on our birthday excursion, I had to get my oil changed. So we pulled in to the 10 min oil change and the guys started to do their thing. In case you didnt know you can sit in your car while they change your oil. It's pretty amazing. Mamaw..You havent touched your coffee as I handed it to her. O, it's just right. Give it to me. 

The next thing I hear is a hacking/vomiting noise coming from my grandmother. coffee had spewed from her nose and she was choking..I was frantically looking for a napkin. SHe was so pretty in her birthday outfit, I didnt want her to vomit on herself. At this point, I'm thinking ok, it went down the wrong hole, she'll be fine at any moment. NOpe...what seemed like minutes went by and she was still choking. MAMAW. Are you ok? Can you breathe as I hit her on the back. Nothing she said nothing, she just kept choking and gasping for air. For a split second, the worst fear came over me. OMG is she going to be ok. The oil boy threw me some paper towls. Here mamaw. Are you Ok I said again. can you breathe..Her eyes started to water, MAMAW! She wiped her eyes, looked at me and said, "You didnt even say anything to me about my new glasses"

MAMAW! I yelled, are you kidding me, I'm sitting over hear worried to death you couldnt breathe, and all you can think about is that I havent said anything about your new glasses! Are you serious UUUUghhhh. That's the least of my concerns, but yes..they are very pretty. Are you ok? I'm fine, did I get it all over my clothes? Don't tell your mother. She'll never let me leave the house again. ha..I wont I said. The coffee cup was still in my hand and mamaw says, "I dont think I want anymore coffee" ha..Ugh no. I asked the oil boy to throw it away..It just came out way too fast she yelled as he walked away. Shwoo...you scared me! 

On the way to Greensboro, I made my gma listen to lots on inappropriate things on the radio...Not necesarily inappropriate, but def not grandma style tunes.

A few country songs like Chuck Wicks, "Hold that Thought" and Colt Ford's new single, "Country Thang" and The Lacs "Kicken up Mud." In case your not familiar, I've included the video below. It's sort of a hip hop take on a traditional redneck hobby..Muddin.

Now, As you can imagine, the bass in this song is pretty heavy. So I have it cranked up just blarrin. Not a word from my granny. It's like she dont even care. ha...One of the lines is "Yall can kiss my country A$$" nothing..then a few minutes later she says, I want to go to the pawn shop. I turned down the music. Huh? The pawn shop? Yeah..Camel Pawn. It's downtown. Why I said, what do you want from he pawn shop. Better yet, ha...had this song inspired her to tell me she wanted to go to the pawn shop.  Have you been watching Pawn Stars on TV mamaw? NO, whats that she said. It's a show, well Why do you want to go to the pawn shop then. I dont know, to see what they have....we are not going there today..

We went to a few stores...bought a few things....shared some family love and opinions. As we walked back across the parking lot my mamaw says, "If i get hit by a car, I hope it's a big fancy one." hhahaha..WHy's that. Cause, they'll have money...O geez. Come on Mamaw, let's go.

I took mamaw back home and our day ended, but not without a few more random mamaw moments along the way. I called her today to tell her I was coming by to pick up something I left in one of her bags. I think you took my spices she said. No, I dont think I did. She and I both had bought some spices yesterday and she claims I took hers not mine. Are you sure I said, yes, I never would have bought these, I dont even know what they are. Well, I'm not at my my house..I'll have to look later. I still dont understand why she bought them. She doesnt even really cook anymore. Keep in mind she lives in a garage apartment at my parents and my mother normally cooks for her. None the less she insisted on getting Garlic Salt and Seasoned Meat Tenderizer.

I showed up today to get these things I biught for my new shoes that I left in her bag and she says, right there are your spices. So, I picked them up...One side was spanish (dont even get me started on that) and on the other side plain as day it says "Garlic Salt" ...so I pick up the other, one side again spanish ..the other "seasoned meat tenderizer" ..mamaw look these are yours look..hahah..SHe looked at me very confused, thats not what i saw...Of course it's not! You read the spanish side!!!! hahah...

O Dear, nuff said....I love you mamaw! Crazies and all..

Ash Wizzle Out

Perfect Girl - A Song Breakdown

"Let your Creative Sprinkles flow" That's what the Splenda packet told me to do this morning when I was fixin my coffee..(I tried to Google a photo of this saying, did you know amazon sales artifical sugar? Interesting) I basically add a little coffee to my creamer and sweetner. Actually, I didnt take up drinking coffee really until I started my new job and had to wake up a whole hour and a half earlier. Last night, I thought I'd act as a complete loser and go to bed at 9:20, only to wake up even more tired. I'll stick with my 11:30 to 12p bedtime and just deal with the snooze button when it comes on at 6:15.

Let my creative sprinkles flow, ha..Is this like pixie dust? I felt like Tinker Bell was about to wave her wand over my head and I'd feel a jolt of excitement and come up withe the most amazing new business presentation ever...not true. I guess my sprinkles fell to the floor cause it took an entire Mug of coffee to get me started.

I decided to turn on my ipod, what amazing song would be starting my day, "The Perfect Girl" by JB & The Moonshine Band. Here's the video...Maybe you should digest this before I rip it apart.




Let me just say, I like this song, I really do..otherwise I wouldnt have paid 99 cents on itunes for it.  But after Splenda told me to let me creative sprinkles flow....i decided to fully analyze this song and I think JB is crazy..There is no perfect girl....His desperate plea to find her is quite amuzing, but here's the breakdown..

Verse one:
"All alone the other I get to drinking and thinking about the woman of this old world,
Well I known quite a few but between me and you I ain't never met the perfect girl,
They either ain't that fun or way too young or they ain't got a lick of sense
Well I dunno if she exist but I'm making up a list that I'm checking 'em all against"


Ha..JB, have you been around the world? Have you tried every ethnicity..just sayin, maybe you like asians or canadians..have you been there? You might have better luck. What's fun? Fun is relative, some people think fixing a rubix cube is fun, personally I dont..who has that time and why would you even care, I enjoy twisting it in to a worse position then when I got it. Fun could be swiming with sharks...Rob Drydek did this once on his show because he wanted to create another action figure..Just sayin, before you say people aren't fun..maybe we need to judge your idea of fun... "Ain't got a lick of sense" I wont argue with this line because there are some pretty stupid girls out there.. I'm not here to judge but there are quite a few who's elevator doesnt go to the top floor....so maybe you should start a list...But I'm not sure this list is the best...


(Chorus)
She gotta be five foot eleven
She smells like heaven
She was born in eighty six or maybe eighty seven
She got full intention of getting her P.H.D.
She got a big ol' dually
A countrified booty
She's a certified bonified cold blooded cutie
If anybody knows where the perfect girl might be
Won't you tell her bout me


Five foot eleven! Are you a giant? That's a pretty tall girl..you sure you can handle all that? I hope she smells like heaven, at five foot eleven half of her body is already in heaven. YOu want her to drive a dually? How many hot chicks you seen drivin a dually? Maybe I heard this wrong and its supposed to say big ol boobies..cause that would make sense. And you want her to be cold blooded? I'm just so confused right now. 


Verse 2
Well I don't mean to sound picky but relationships are tricky and I'm looking for a perfect fit,
I want a smoking hot honey with a whole lot of money who's favorite thing is sharing it,
Well you can't really miss her hell she may be your sister but whoever she might be,
You'd be a real life saver if you do me one favor and put in a good word for me


Fair enough..you need a perfect fit, now, you want a smokin hot honey ---but she needs to drive a dually, you want her to have money to share with you...Are you a loser? do you not want to work? I mean, are you going to share your money with her? or your love? ha...ok. Like I'd put in a good word to my sister or friend about a guy who doesnt have a job and wants to spend their money, not to mention..none of my friends drive duallys. A truck maybe but not a dually, and if you meant big ol boobies, I've totally jacked this up...


(Chorus)
She gotta be five foot eleven
She smells like heaven
She measures thirty six twenty four thirty seven
She got full intention of financially supporting me
She got some big ol' dually
A countrified booty
And she don't get mad if I watch dirty movies
If anybody knows where the perfect girl might be
Won't you tell her bout me

O here we go.."Full intention of financially supporting (you)".....ha. You def dont have a job and you're never going to get one. I sure hope you can offer up some good lovin.  Dirty movies...i mean, whatev..some girls really hate this but lets be real we're all human..you're a grown adult. I mean as Alan from hangover would say "It's frowned upon like masturbating on an airplane" but..it's not against the law..haha. I love that movie. Won't you be part of my wolfpack?

You can tell her that I'm all alone and to call me if she would
You can tell her anything as long as it's all good


I hope your hot, cause I dont know what good I would tell her, it appears your vein and dont have a job....you've got to have something else to bring to the table..


(Chorus)
Well She gotta be five foot eleven
She smells like heaven
Let's me do what I want to twenty four seven
She got full intention of letting me be me
And you know she got some real big boobies
A countrified booty
And she thinks cleaning house is a woman's duty
If anybody knows where the perfect girl might be
Won't you tell her bout me


Let you do what you want to 24/7..So this means a couple hours watching dirty movies..ha..I agree, you should be you, but if you think homegirl is going to financially support you and do the dishes and clean you are some kind of crazy? If she is bringing home the bacon you better be cooking it and cleaning it up when your done....


Ol JB, there is no perfect girl and if you think you found her and she meets these requirements? She might be crazy and you can just cross her off the list..


I'm confused, from what I gather, You want a hot redneck girl with a big butt who drives a big truck and lets you watch dirty movies. Also, most tall girls are skinny and don't have big butts. I mean..I'm from the country..a rural area...now that I think about it, I might be able to find someone that fits your description..ha.. 


All that said..super cute song. It just cracks me up as does the video that you boys have your "ideal" lady..I hope you find her..and when you do..please post pictures!


And JB if you read this.dont judge my grammar or spelling errors. I assure you my elevator goes to the top floor...I just dont care..ha

He Smelled Like a Cupcake

I was so tired at work today, I don't know what my problem was but it was yawn after yawn all day! I had my Harris Teeter leggings on a  comfy dress. Similar to nice pajamas.  I even resorted to a cup of coffee about 11 to get get me going. After filling my body with some jet fuel, I started to get hyped up and created an awesome Valentine to send to our prospective clients. That's right...we wanted to show them some L-O-V-E. This was quickly followed a few hours later with a crash, nothing shy of hitting a brick wall. Ughh..come 3 pm I was virtually asleep again...somehow I wrestled though my last few hours of work started my 35 min journey home.

 I came home and changed my clothes and laid on the bed and wrestled with the idea of going to the gym, I finally got in the car. As if it didn't take enough motivation just to get in the car, there weren't any parking places! Come on people, its February, let's give up on those resolutions already. 

I finally found a place and made it in the the gym, well..sort of. All of the treadmills, StairMasters and elliptical machines were taken. I wanted to just turn around around walk out. But I gathered the courage and headed for the indoor track. From the indoor track you can see the basketball court. I have learned that on Monday nights there are pick-up games all evening. So the indoor track is a mix of senior citizens and teenagers with a few ages in between. These girls sit on the indoor track to watch the boys...Dear Lord...is this how I acted? I don't remember going to the Y or sitting in to watch people play basketball but I could be wrong..I did a lot of stupid things. Love/Lust...or in this case these kids in Heat crack me up. Waving a gawking, and yelling their names during a game. man o man..That really makes me feel old. 

Anywho, after I ran for just a little bit, I decided to go see if there was an elliptical machine open..And there was, I hopped on and had what we'll call a mediocre speed going. A man got on the elliptical beside me and he smelled like vanilla cupcakes! I mean straight up vanilla cupcakes and it made me hungry. I was caught off guard, a) because a man isn't supposed to smell like cupcakes and b) that is some serious torture when your in the gym and you smell cupcakes. I listened to my ipod and and tried to block out the smell, but it was like a bakery..and I couldn't concentrate. Cupcake man finally got down and my friend Meghan took his place. 

The man that was just on there smelled like a cupcake I told her. O I thought that was you, she said. Nope...it was him. He smelled just like a Vanilla Cupcake. Our conversation turned to something else and we forgot about cupcake man....until, he walked back up and handed the lady on the other side of Meghan, a bottle of water...

Hahaha..O my word, Meghan and I had been loudly talking about how this man smelled like a vanilla cupcake and his wife was right beside us! She just looked and me and laughed. 

O man, I'm watching the bachelor and Brad just rejected this chick..Ekkk, How awkward..Straight to your face..Um, not interested. Did I mention this girl was scared of a beetle? She said, she was frightened of the ones she knew would make a crunch sound if she squished them..haha. Freak.

O goodness, Freak Michelle has done knocked on his door, she a pretty girl, but someone needs to punch her in her face.  Or at least slap her. She needs to ride on the crazy train with the people who push the racecar carts, the man who wanted a cheeseburger and the idiots who wear leather dragon backpacks.

A few quick Superbowl observations, Christina, just tell everyone you were drunk, it sounds better then saying you actually forgot the words to the National Anthem. Fergie, just keep rap talking, it sounds much better then you actually trying to sing with Slash. Usher...all I have to say Oooo Oooo O mY God.... I wish you would have brought little Beibs our to dance with you .. 

Man I hope something better gives me some serious inspiration to write my next blog because I'm tired and cranky and now WWE is on and I do not want to see these men in their little panties running around the ring.

Good Night my peeps, I'm out..

Ash Wizzle. 

Today I felt Like A dragon

My mom and I went shopping over the weekend and I got some new clothes for my new job. Now, at my previous job we could where whatever we wanted. This new job is a little more business casual, not that that is a bad thing, but my post college attire just wasn't up to speed. Why buy clothes you're only going to wear to church if you don't have to. The places I purchased my new clothes shall remain nameless for the sake of my image. But, today's shirt...made me feel like a dragon.

I purchased one of those that's sort of see through that you wear a cami under. It was black and grey and white and teal. And it had ALOT of ruffles, way more than I had remembered in the store. It had ruffles down the front and on the sleeves. This is the part that really got to me. Every time I went the the bathroom and looked in the mirror I felt like i looked like one of those dragons that flair up when they get mad. Or maybe its a lizard dragon. You know one of those things that flair up at the sign of anger..Anywho, I tried to Google and this is what comes up when you type dragon on to google search.

First of all WTF? Is that a dragon bag? I'm here to tell you this world is full of some crazies! ha..Who even things of this? It's like an imaginary friend/creature but not really imaginary. You know he talks to that thing. I know its not polite to stare. But if I saw that walking down the street, I sure would... Not to often you see a leather dragon strapped on the back, or in this case just look like hes hanging on some dude.

Speaking of crazies. There is one thing I haven't experienced working in High Point and that's the crazies off of Cherry street. Altho, sometimes I drive down the street wondering if I am passing Fantasia's childhood home. She's made us so proud, I just want to know what residence housed all that talent.

Back to the crazies...one evening when I was heading home from work (off Cherry Street) and I had decided I needed to stop for gas, since the light was on. That's typically a good indicator. I decided to stop by the gas station near the ABC store and Bojangles. I had never stopped here before, mainly because it's sketch, but I had no choice. I quickly got out and pumped my gas and got back in the car as fast as I could.

Just as I turned on the car, here comes a crazy, "Miss, Miss...." Instead of just pulling off, I decided to engage in the conversation and rolled my window down about a third of the way. "Um, yes?" I said..."Do you you got some money, I'm howngry and I want a cheeseburger." I responded with, are you serious? Just two dollars he said, I just got out of jail and I am hungry. Whatever! you just want to buy some crack and I am not giving it to you. No I'm not, I juuuuuust got out of jail. From right up the street. That was no lie the police station was less then a quarter a mile away. Ugh..Fine, Here's two dollars. You can can go get some fries at Bojangles. It's right there walk across the street.

I want a cheeseburger from McDonald's. I hate it for I said. Will you take me he asked. Ha..are you crazy? This was a stupid question, he clearly was. He crept in closer to my window. Do you got some more money, I need some more. I see some change. I said, you just want crack..don't lie. I just came from jail. Do you realize what will happen to me if I buy crack, I'm on probation......at this point he was all the way in my window. Yes, I do know what will happen to you and if you don't back off my window, Ima call someone and have them put you right back! I have a Starbucks card..do you want that?

What's Starbucks. Ha..I gave a crackhead a Starbucks card..It has muffins. Catch the bus with the two dollars I gave you and go get a muffin and coffee. I don't want a muffin he said. I looked and him and responded you sure are ungrateful.

I'm sorry mommy, he said. Whaaat I am not your mommy. You pretty, whats your name. It's Ashley I said. ....O my sisters name is Ashley. Well what a flippen coincidence. Now, one might ask why I hadn't ended this conversation by now, but I was slightly intrigued with his persistence to get some money. And after all "what if he was an angel sent here from heaven, making certain I was doing my best to take my take to help another," per Joe Nichols country song. You got a number he said..Nope, I don't have a phone, knowing I just told him I was going to call someone if he didn't back off my window.

Can I have some more money? NO I told him. I've already given you $2.50 and and a Starbucks card (he had weasled and additional 50 cents out of me) . Ok, thank you, he said. As I drove off an yelled out the window Bojangles not CRACK!

This wasn't my first observation of a crackhead in downtown. On numerous occasions, driving home I witnessed crackheads talking to traffic light boxes. I have no explanation or observation for this other then ...crazies.

On a different occassion I went to the CVS in the same vicinity, of the crack head gas station. As soon as I walked int he door Mr. CVS himself jumped in my face. Can I help you? Nah, I'm ok..but thanks...Let me know he shouted across the store. As I was looking for a card..I hear, heeeello girl. Really, I am not in the mood for this. Hi I said back. Because I don't ignore anyone. It's just not my style. I kept looking for a card and moved aisles..Here he comes again around the corner. You have a good afternoon, he said. You too, Thank You. I know he was just being nice but twice he was in my personal space and made me a little uncomfortable and he smelled bad, like a fart and Body Odor. Really what was the purpose of those two lines anyway?

As I walked back to the register, Mr. CVS acted like he had just consumed one of those 5 hour energy shots, which was quite possible because they were right on the counter. Did you find everything ok? it sure is a beautiful day, Its cold, Do you have your CVS card...Whoaaa, I said slow down. Which question do you want me to answer first, yes its nice, I left my CVS card at home. This was turning out to be quite the lunch run.

After feeling like I just ran a marathon I turned around to leave and the boys behind me had 6 Cokes a piece! WTF do you need that many Coke's for? We were just a few miles from Wake Forest so, that explains a little..but I'm still not certain..thats a heck of a lot of soda..

Man o man, crazies..this word is full of them and I know I am a little crazy myself. But..for the record. If you are a crazy, catch me on a good day and I'll be happy to have a conversation with you.